


Underneath

by CasualWinchester



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Boys In Love, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Insecure Alec Lightwood, M/M, Protective Alec Lightwood, Self-Doubt, Self-Hatred, Self-Sacrifice, Self-Worth Issues, Suicidal Thoughts, Triggers maybe?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-04
Updated: 2016-12-04
Packaged: 2018-09-06 09:28:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8744785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CasualWinchester/pseuds/CasualWinchester
Summary: He isn't supposed to care about himself. His only job is to make sure his siblings are safe. He means nothing and would soon be forgotten if he was gone. Perhaps it would be better if he was.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This was just a little something I wrote after some alcohol and a late night. It got a little dark. I don't know what I should've tagged, so if anything bothers you, please let me know! The last thing I want is to hurt anyone or to be disrespectful. It's not what I intended to do and I would be more than happy to change anything if necessary!

**Alec:**

The fact that I am never truly needed by anyone is something that I should have long gotten over.

But no matter what, I can't seem to get over the fact that I am just around to make sure no one else gets blamed or hurt. Sure I have family and people that I would consider friends but I know that they would get over it if something happened to me.

If I died, my family would mourn me but they would get over it. I am nothing, I don't add anything to the family. I am just there and that's okay with me... I swear.

Isabelle would be the saddest but she has a life outside of the family and if I died I know she would get over it after a while. She is too spirited and popular with all kinds of creatures to be down for a long time. The only thing that would be changed about her life is that she would no longer have anyone that will cover for her or to make sure she doesn't get hurt on missions. Even though she doesn't really need my help, she can take care of herself. I wouldn't need to worry about her if I was gone.

Jace might be a little worse of than Isabelle as he is my parabatai and he would personally feel my death the hardest. But like Isabelle, even though the part of me that was once with him would now be gone, he will find someone to fill in that space at some point. Hopefully someone a little better than I. Someone that won't fall for him and act like a worthless idiot around him, that's not what Jace needed. He needs someone who can match him in battle and isn't as incompetent as I am. He would lose me as a brother as will Isabelle. But it doesn't matter because they will both have Max. The best out of all of us. He got all of the good him whilst I got all of the bad. He is the one thing in this family that isn't completely messed up. I don't think I could take it if anything bad happened to him.

I wouldn't have to worry about him if I was gone though because even though I am his big brother, he has never seen me like he sees Jace. An idol that he can look up too, someone worth fawning over. Someone who was worth being his older brother. I didn't deserve to be his brother, the one he looks up too. I had nothing special about me, all I can do is shoot an arrow at a couple of demons, which is nothing special.

Unlike Jace. Jace is one of the best Shadowhunter's I have ever seen and is worth all the praise he gets from my family. I like seeing him receive all that he deserves. It allows me to know that he will be okay if it gets to the point where I might be gone. I know that Jace will make sure my brother and sister were safe. He is the Lightwood son that I should have been. But instead I am just me. Too tall, too awkward, and far too clumsy to be the perfect Shadowhunter my family wants me to be.

I could never be what my parents want me to be and that is why they like Jace more than they like me. That and the fact that Jace is Michael Wayland's son, my dad's ex Parabatai. Dad feels like he needs to protect Jace with his life after what happened with him and Michael, he doesn't want to fail his best friend.

Mum dotes on Jace because he is everything I couldn't be. I'm okay with that though. Me not being perfect makes it easier on Isabelle. This way Mum has someone to focus her annoyance and anger on. And I am glad that it is on me and not Isabelle. I never want my sister to feel bad, especially when she doesn't deserve it.

All Isabelle wants to do is her job, and also to have fun. And her version of fun also gives us an advantage with the Downworlders. I don't know why no one else will see that. But as long as I keep off any hate from her, I am happy...

... So yes, I should've gotten over the fact that I will never be needed from anyone. That maybe I should just accept what one day, probably soon. I am going to die and it will be okay. Everyone that I leave behind will mourn me but they will also move on with their lives, happy as can be.

I began to hate myself though. It all began with the arrival of Clary Fairchild. I began to speak out when I shouldn't, and I allowed myself to become angry with both Isabelle and Jace all because they were helping Clary.

The girl who was constantly putting their lives in danger. Making it harder for me to keep them safe. No matter how hard I tried to get them to listen to me, they just wouldn't listen and they continued to follow Clary around and risk their lives to keep her safe even though she was a stranger.

I hated her. Or that's just what I told myself to hide the real truth.

I didn't know her enough to hate her but I hate the idea of her. It was selfish of me to be thinking this way but I was jealous.

Jealous of the fact that I did everything to keep my siblings safe, even risking my own life at times. But, they didn't care about me as much as they cared about Clary. They never paid as much attention to me as they did her. And It's horrible to think it but, I don't think they would ever help me the way they helped Clary.

It hurt, and I hated myself for feeling the way I did.

I wasn't supposed to think this way at all. This is not me, I am not supposed to want their attention, I was only supposed to keep them safe and keep my distance.

As much as I want to do that, I know that it's not going to happen as long as Clary is rampaging about with the two of them and her mundane/vampire pet.

The arrival of Lydia was almost a godsend. It gave me the chance to get power, and with the power came the choice of what happens with Jace and Isabelle. If I was head of the Institute then I could control the missions they went on. They couldn't put themselves in danger again.

I never thought that it would push them even further away from me.

The breaking point for my self control was after the fight with Jace. I don't think I had ever felt more broken. Watching him walk away from me, to Clary, a perfect stranger, was almost too much for me to bear.

It was that night that I think I snapped.

I remember running around in the rain, ignoring the many phone calls I was getting from the Institute. All of the messages were probably the same. Everyone wanting to know where I was, and what happened with the mission. They all probably just wanted to know what happened with Meliorn and if I managed to get him before he vanished.

I was so close to throwing my phone away when I noticed another name come up. Someone was calling me and it turned out to be the exact person I didn't think I needed until this very moment.

Magnus Bane.

My cold shaking hands drop my phone in a puddle as I suddenly take off into a sprint. Never stopping until I have reached the door that would lead me to the one person who had ever shown interest in me before anyone else in the room. The first person to really look through the shield I had up over myself, and actually see me.

I pounded on the door until a sleepy and bedraggled looking Magnus had answered. He had his phone in his hand and he looked a wreck. It looked like he had run his hands through his hair over and over again due to stress.

One look at me, standing wet and shaking on his doorway, Magnus had pulled me in by the arm.

He pulled me into the loft and slowly removed as many of the wet clothes that he could before he considered it uncomfortable for me. I wanted to tell him that it was okay, that I like that he was caring for me but I knew that I couldn't. Allowing at least one person to care for me is too much. I don't want to have that feeling because it might make it harder for me to concentrate when it is all taken away from me and I am forced to live my life again.

I hardly even felt it when Magnus sat me on the soft fabric couch that I almost melted in. A soft blanket was draped over my shoulders, it warmed up my skin almost on contact, so I'm guessing Magnus charmed it. Moments Later Magnus was in front of me, a warm towel in his hands that he slowly massaged into my hair, drying it in the most caring way possible.

I leaned into his touch, just for a moment before remembering who I was.

I couldn't have this, I couldn't allow it especially after what I done tonight. After what I done to Jace, I had failed in the one thing I was supposed to do. Which was to protect him.

I guess now if I die, he truly will be okay. He wouldn't even need to mourn me after what I did to him. He could go on without a care in the world. He would also have Clary, the girl he is obviously supposed to be with. No matter what I thought.

Soft hands touched my face, warm and pleasant on my face. The towel was gone but now Magnus was forcing me to look him in the eye.

"You matter." Was all he said, as if he could read my mind. It took me a little off guard as that was the last thing I was expecting from him. I never thought he would lie to me.

"You matter Alexander, I just wish you could see it." He softly pulls me into his arms. My head rests on his chest as he allows himself to sit down with me. He leans back against the couch and pulls the blankets over us.

I'm not used to it. No one has ever done something like this with me. I don't think I have ever been cuddled in the past fifteen years of my life. I think the last time I was cuddled like this was back before I started Shadowhunter training. Sure Isabelle hugged me sometimes but it was not in the same way she hugged Jace or Max.

I like it.

I liked it even more because it was coming from Magnus.

The steady beat of his heart under my ear makes my eyes close in tiredness. It lulls me slightly and it gives me a comfort I never thought I would have. It also gave me a little bit of hope.

"You matter, to me." Magnus presses the softest of kisses to my hair just as I feel myself slipping into a sleep.

I do have enough time to think. "Maybe I believe him, maybe I am needed." a question that could only be answered in time.

I fall asleep with a smile.


End file.
